My younger sister recently telephoned me to tell me the problems she was having with her oldest child, a beautiful 17 year old daughter who is obviously very intelligent and talented in many ways. The problem is that said daughter has decided that she doesn't want to fit into society and has declared war on the world she lives in and is therefore causing multiple problems within the family unit. Daughter is having severe anxiety concerning many areas of her life, including fitting in at a public school and in other social matters. She is adopted, from China, and has been coddled and babied since coming to the U.S. That is not her fault. My sister and her husband, in my opinion, have made many mistakes in raising said daughter right from the start. They have treated her like the Princess that she is not and have allowed her to get by with just about anything her little heart desires. They have spent countless hours and a lot of money on this kid only to be rewarded by a severe case of "brattiness" which is causing my sister much angst and anxiety.
They have since adopted another child from another part of China. She is now 13 and is fairly well adjusted, although she is a bit of a prangster. She is also a bit behind in school but also focused when it comes to outside activities such as piano and horseback riding. First daughter, age 17, resents the hell out of the 13 year old and makes it clear that she is irritated by the younger sibling's actions. But that is a whole other story.
So 17 year old is, in my opinion, a spoiled brat. Again, it is not her fault. I have watched and listened as this child has been brought up and I actually feel quite sorry for her. Left at the doorstep of a Chinese orphanage when she was just an infant, she had no input into what would happen to her or who would adopt her or if she would be adopted at all. She was fortunate in that she was a beautiful child, all rosy cheeks and China Doll gorgeousness. She still is. And she is intelligent and talented in dance and music and many other areas of life. But still, she is having so many difficulties in making friends and keeping up with her school work. She has even refused to go to conventional school and is now doing her school work online, at home. And, according to my sister, she is not completing her assignments on time and is risking being kept back another year.
The child is isolating herself by staying in her room most of the time and now she does not want to go to college, or even talk about it. I am concerned because she has so much potential and it seems she will not live up to any of it. My sister, and her hubby, do not seem to know what to do. Therapy does not seem to be helping any of them. And my sister is not getting any younger...she is 58 with these two young girls, one who is 17 and the other at 13. It concerns me because I love my sister and am worried that perhaps her own depression will become such a burden that she might have a break down of sorts.
I wrote o my niece...the 17 year ld...and told her that I thought she should try to get her act together and have nore respect for her parents, her friends (the few she does have) and her relatives. Because you see, she has decided that she does not want my husband and me to come for a visit...she wants us to stay in a motel if we do come, not at the family home where we normally stay. She does not like it that my husband and I will not let her bully us and my sister and her hubby just ignore her, let
her push them around as she sees fit. I told my sister that I felt it ridiculous that this child...and that is what she is...boss them around the way she does and my sister just shrugs and does nothing about it. How silly is that? And why is she handing her power over to this kid? It is driving me crazy.
Okay, so maybe it is none of my business...granted, I tend to stick my nose in where it isn't wanted but this is making me nuts. When I try to talk to my niece, she usually sticks her own nose up and says something like "You annoy me Aunt Rosie!". Hmmm. What am I supposed to say to that? "Oh, dear, I didn't mean to annoy the Princess. Excuse me ever so much?"
I raised my daughter to be respectful of adults and most times she was, even in her teenage years. Never would she get by with quitting regular school even if they had online classes in the 1980's. If she spoke to her father or me the way my niece speaks to her parents, she would be grounded for weeks or perhaps, received a slap across the face from her dad. Respect waas always a given in our family. We loved her dearly and now, she is a grown woman with three adopted children of her own who are growing up to be great citizens, respectful children who realize that their parents are raising them to be good, law abiding citizens.
So, I am just venting here, I suppose. I am a bit miffed, to put it lightly, that my niece runs all over my sister and that my sister is letting her make decisions about whether or not we can come to visit and stay at their house or not. That is just ludicrous in my opinion. I love my sister and her family and I do, truly, love my nieces and want to spend time with them. But Good Grief, when a child starts to run circles around her parents and put them in the uncomfortable position of letting said child tell them what they can and can't do, I tend to become angry and hurt.
If my niece reads this...I doubt she will, she is too busy with her own life...I hope she recognizes herself and realizes that at 17, one is still a child. And that the brain does not fully develop until a person is 26 years old. So no, little one, you do not know it all. You are still learning and growing and it is time that you realized that you are a very fortunate, very lucky young woman to have the family you have and the opportunities given you. Because a lot of kids...not just those who have to grow up in China or other third world countries...have much fewer privileges than you.
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